Happy weekend all. It’s finally chilly outside, that’ll help get everyone in the holiday spirit! I’m also told 93.9 flipped the switch on their Christmas music, motivation to get in the car for a ride this week. I can feel Sheila cringing while reading this, saying Thanksgiving first Beef, Thanksgiving first.
Life is, well, really hard right now. Recovery continues to be slow and in turn, incredibly frustrating. No task is easy. Anything I do, hurts. Everything I fail to do physically bums me out and makes me react in ways I don’t anticipate. We wake up every morning hoping to turn the corner, but it hasn’t happened yet. At times I don’t know if the tears are from the physical pain, the ache in my heart or the pure frustration of all this happening at once. In my really dark moments I think about all of this physical recovery happening right now just to start chemo and radiation in December and the havoc that it is going to wreak on my body. When I’m in those moments, it all just feels so unfair. I was joking with my sister though that if this blog ever gets too dark, find me a great therapist on Yelp. 🙂
There are bright moments though that keep me going, I promise. Yesterday my mom came and babysat me for a bit. Snuggling with your Mama is sometimes all you need in life, no matter how old you are. If you haven’t seen the movie While You Were Sleeping, watch it on Netflix. Guaranteed laughs. The caps, $600 bucks a tooth!
Kevin also came home yesterday with Christmas candles for our room. Those coupled with all the beautiful flowers sure help! Kevin himself is an incredible bright spot. Here he is, grieving for his daughter, watching his wife go through all of this and yet he doesn’t skip a beat. Cleaning, laundry, picking me up (literally), meds, he is carrying us through this. He got mad at me because one night I chose to lay in pain so that I didn’t have to wake him up again for meds. Next time you pray for me or feel the urge to do something nice for me, my ask is that you do it for him instead! We were supposed to be in San Antonio today for the Notre Dame Shamrock Series and instead, he’s laying in bed with me while we binge watch Fixer Upper. There’s no version of life where we could’ve imagined having to endure this, but I’ve always believed that tough times show true colors and I’m lucky he’s my husband.
Long before any of this happened, Kevin and I decided to make the move to the ‘burbs to raise our family. In early October we bought an amazing home in Downers Grove – recently flipped, three bedrooms, three bathrooms, a huge deck for entertaining & fenced in back yard (do you hear the dogs barking in excitement?), an updated kitchen, and so much space for hosting. We spent weekends furniture shopping. Our dining room table is amazing. We bought Christmas decorations in anticipation of being able to host for the holidays. Our poor neighbors, as Kevin drew up grand plans of Clark-Griswold-type-exterior-illumination. Welcome to the neighborhood! We spent nights pintresting nursery ideas. I still laugh at what Kevin liked. Think jungles, think very busy. I don’t think he realized he’d be the one doing all the work!
After I was diagnosed our realtor (who has been amazing) asked if we wanted to keep the home. We talked a lot about it. Do we need to move to the ‘burbs now that it’s just us 2? Would it be impossibly hard to walk past the room that was supposed to be our nursery? Or would it be motivating through all the bad to know that we already have the home of our dreams for when we beat this and we are ready to adopt? We kept coming back to how much we loved the home, our home. We already had so many plans for it and we didn’t want to walk away from that. We didn’t want to walk away from the hope of a family one day. We also just knew this home is a blessing in terms of timing and our needs in this recovery, proximity to the hospital for treatments, etc. We decided to stay the course and I’m so glad we did. My brother put it best that it offers a new beginning amidst impossible times.
We were officially cleared to close yesterday, so that’s another bright spot. Why not throw a move into the mix right now! We close the 28th and movers come on the 29th. In the three weeks between the diagnosis and surgery, we spent a lot of time packing our place. It was oddly therapeutic. There are going to be a lot of emotions when we move but for now I’m focusing on how much I can’t wait for more space while recovering, the fire place & watching Christmas movies and lots of parking for all our visitors. Once we put all of this past us, we can’t wait to have you over for a really big, therapeutic glass of wine.
Enjoy your weekend and thank you for all the continued prayers. Thank you a thousand times.
All our love,
Beef & Kevin