I’m spending a few hours this morning unsupervised for the first time in two weeks. For those that I’m friends with on snap chat, you’re welcome. 😉 For those that I’m not, a.) don’t be offended, I’m snap chat illiterate b.) I don’t know how to add friends, so if you want in on the ridiculousness, add me!
Physical spirits are higher this morning after a big day yesterday. I give you permission to laugh at what’s defined as “big” these days. First, I was able to fully shower on my own for the first time since surgery! Brushing my hair was so therapeutic last night. I was shaking after from exhaustion but I was so proud of myself andddd well, it just felt good. Second, Kevin and I got outside for a walk, we went two blocks total. One block to the mailbox to mail our check to reserve the elevator to move, one block back. Exciting stuff all around with the walk and one step closer to our new home.
I am spent and quite sore this morning but press on, we shall. My goals for today are to shower, take a longer walk outside (I hear it’s supposed to be in the 70s?!?), and lots of sitting time on the couch. I’m excited too as my baby brother comes home today, I haven’t seen him since before surgery. The little things are what we celebrate right now.
Kevin & I are quite anxious for tomorrow. We are a good anxious for our appt at 9:15 & look forward to a solid progress report. After all this process has entailed, starting with that first appt with my OB, I have no shame anymore. In fact, I joked with the nurse, “why couldn’t this have been skin cancer?!” I got a good laugh on that one, probably out of pity but I’ll take it. I’ve done my best to spare details here but the one thing I can’t even hide (I’m sorry in advance for the overshare) is my excitement to be done with this catheter tomorrow! During surgery, my bladder was “nicked” and required sutures, so the catheter has helped to prevent my bladder from ever being too full, thus allowing it to heal. I think having my freedom back will do wonders for my mental state. That, in my book, will be a huge win.
Hallie’s service will then follow at noon, and for that we are anxious in a hundred different ways. We honestly hadn’t thought about this until the Chaplain met with us at the hospital and suggested it as being a really helpful way to grieve and to find some bit of closure for both us and our families. I’ve personally found it impossible to “plan” for. How are you supposed to know what you want included? It breaks my heart in a hundred new ways just thinking about it. Kevin, in true fashion, has been my warrior and has handled it all with Diana and for that, I’m so grateful. Our moms have also helped with the details of the day, which we’ve appreciated so much. I know for me personally I have not even come close to coming to terms with our situation. Nothing seems real. I feel the weight of the world on my heart and tomorrow is going to be mighty hard.
We are thankful though that tomorrow offers the opportunity for us to be surrounded by all our siblings and parents for the first time all at once. One thing I’m incredibly aware of is everyone’s hearts hurt right now. Hallie’s loss is not just ours, but the difference right now for our family and friends is they’re all being strong for me and Kevin. I texted my Mom this the other night but this goes for all of our parents & siblings, “I admire your ability to be “put together” for me when I know your heart is aching as much as ours.” Hallie isn’t just a daughter lost, but a granddaughter lost and a niece lost. We had so many exciting plans for her. We talked about Christmas mornings and how magical she’d make them. Notre Dame tailgates with Grandma & Grandpa Hart proudly showing off our newest fan. Coaching her basketball team one day. I always wanted to coach alongside my Dad. Championships for days! I’m quite disappointed that I’ll never know if all of us Conrad siblings could get kicked out of a game again. It’d probably be socially frowned upon though if it’s your kids game instead of your siblings. 😉 My mom is shaking her head and thanking God that’ll never happen. Lord knows I was going to need so much help from Anna, Erica, Kaitlyn & Brianna in raising Hallie, I’m already the worst girl! My hair has two options: straight or a pony tail. How would I ever braid her hair in the perfect way like my Mom always did for me growing up?! I do know my Mom would’ve helped throw the best birthday parties for Hallie. And fashion, oh boy! Hallie would’ve stood a chance only because of her aunts because if it were up to me, she would’ve been the cutest Nike model ever. I know for a fact (and by fact I mean personal experience) that we would’ve never had to worry about boyfriends with Hallie between Uncle Kevers, Daveo, Chris & Jeff. Uncle Jeff would’ve taught Hallie all about love at first site though. We also know she would’ve been the funniest Conrad/Hart, like her Mom, Uncle Chris (second funniest) & Aunt Brianna. My heart aches especially for Anna and Sean. The way life has unfolded the last month robbed us of the opportunity to officially ask Anna & Sean, but they’ve known for a long time they’d be Hallie’s Godparents. Anna and Sean were the Maid of Honor & Best Man in our wedding and I’m convinced the world still hasn’t seen better speeches. Anna and Sean were a no brainer choice for us. We know Hallie would’ve been the most loved & cared for kid ever by all, but especially by those two. I must stop there for now though. These thoughts bring a smile to my face, but my face is also drenched with tears. I just can’t believe we will never get to see any of that play out & we were only 4 months away from having her in our arms.
Pray for us. Pray for us today as we are left to only wonder how our hearts will hold up tomorrow. Pray for us tomorrow and pray that we are able to remember Hallie as the incredible girl that we all know she would’ve been! ❤️
One foot in front of the other right now.