How to start today’s post. Let’s see, raise your hand if you feel like this week has been a roller coaster! 🙋🏼 And on that note, why don’t they have redhead emojis?! Or bald emojis, I’ll rock those just as proudly soon enough.
Radiation went smoothly today. I met with Dr. Small & Angela again, I have a CT scan Tuesday for my abdomen. We think the pain is surgery + chemo/radiation related but they just want to make sure nothing else is going on. More barium for Beef, fa la la la la.
I was instructed to start eating ASAP. Eating as in lots of calories, milkshakes to be exact. If you say so, Doc! Angela laughed and said let’s maybe start with some high protein things like eggs and avocados, ease our way back into it. Calories are very necessary when your body is battling through chemo & radiation. My mom asked if I was craving anything and I said funny you ask, during radiation all I could think about was a piece of pizza from Sams. Their pizza is amazing! So we got that. The crust is just so dang fluffy. And then she made me a broccoli, cheese & egg casserole. One of my faves.
Today marks my six week surgi-versary. I’m proud of how far I’ve come physically in those six weeks. I’m only really reminded of it physically when I’m sitting up from laying down or getting out of bed. What makes my heart so heavy today is I should be 25 weeks pregnant. I’m well aware of how far I have to go emotionally from what we lost that day. I spent some time unpacking our curio box this afternoon. Before all this happened, the top shelf was filled with so many beautiful momentos from our wedding. Today I moved all of that down to the second and third shelf. The top shelf now displays everything we have of our sweet Hallie: the wreath and the flowers from our memorial service, (I tried one night with Kevin, Sean & Hilary to read the messages on the wreath and I read one, Brianna’s, before they took it away from me. It was just the sweetest note.), the slides of her footprints and hand prints & a few things people have sent us in her memory. It’s all so precious. It’s orange! But it’s all so impossibly sad. And hard. I keep trying to find hope in that this was the moment for which you were created sweet girl, but I hate that moment right now. I want so much more of Hallie than a shelf!
While we were going through those impossible first 2-3 weeks of endless doctors appointments after I was diagnosed and before we knew the route we’d have to take, my mom sent me this song, Held, by Natalie Grant. (Listen to it here but grab tissues, fair warning!) I listened to it a lot in the worst of moments those first couple of weeks. I listened to it the morning of Hallie’s service & I think I’ve listened to it 100 times already this afternoon. It’s beautiful. It gets me through these kind of moments, the worst.
One more day of radiation for the week and then a nice two day reprieve from the hospital. Body, I would love full cooperation on that!
Stay warm tonight!!