6.2

Elation from Saturday + lots of rest + lot of Gatorade & water + a shot into the stomach (ok, it’s probably mostly that but play along)  = a white blood count of 6.2.

For comparison’s sake, last round during this week? 1.2.

North Park, you made me a whole 5 points better.

Seriously though. I can tell you without question, my spirits haven’t been this high since long before October 20th. I literally wore jeans again today, that’s how motivated I am. Jeans to labs? Unheard of! My walks yesterday & today were each 20 minutes long too. I mean, the weather helps but I attribute a lot of that to my spirits being so high! With chemo next week, I’m doing my absolute best to make the most of this ‘good’ time. And this ‘good time’ I can attribute 100% to what Saturday did for me. It is truly the gift that keeps on giving. After talking my Mom’s ear off today (literally), I’ve come to understand why Saturday was so meaningful to me, beyond the obvious. Sorry guys, about to get deep.

One, it made me normal. I was laughing, interacting, reminiscing, shooting a basketball (horribly). It felt so good. So good, like I can’t describe it to you. There was no pity or sadness. I can’t wait for my life to be like that, everyday. You sure take normal life for granted.

Two, it made me feel like Hallie’s Mom for the first time ever. I’ve struggled mightily with the loss of Hallie for a million different reasons, one being what that makes me. That night, the way everyone spoke about her, the way everyone included her, it made me feel something so different. It made me so proud to hear her name over that PA system. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts like hell at the very same time but I love that they went out of their way to honor the THREE of us, not the two of us. Hundreds of people in that gym heard her story. Hundreds of people walked out knowing the purpose of her life. My mom told me that night was her proudest moment of me and while that meant the world to me, it was bigger than that. For the first time ever, I could relate to her pride as a Mom if even on a small scale. And for that, I am forever grateful. I could’ve never anticipated walking away from that gym gaining all of this. During the first half of the mens game, I was standing with P. Al talking to him and at one point he said to me, “she would’ve had red hair, you know.” It made me smile so much. A huge, enormous, heartbroken smile. It was such a genuine comment & I don’t know, it just really made me smile. And I agree! I understand people don’t know how to talk about Hallie with us and please, Kevin and I even struggle to talk about her together, it’s impossible. But North Park, Lauren & P. Al specifically, you gave me something I really, really needed in honoring her.

Three, it inspired me to think beyond my world right now. I want so badly to honor Hallie. I want so badly to pay forward what everyone has done for us. I am more aware than ever that life is not guaranteed, health is not guaranteed. I could beat this cancer only for it to come back right away. Scary? Insanely. Perspective? Like you wouldn’t believe. I want to make my life mean more than the World Series the White Sox gave us, the 6 trophies from the Bulls & the 3 Stanley Cups from the Hawks. My life, my legacy is representative not just of myself, but of my daughter who didn’t get a chance at life on Earth. That is something to live up too. On Sunday, Kevin and I spent some time bouncing ideas off of each other of how we can accomplish these goals as soon as I’m cancer free (read: I know that’s not a guarantee, but mind over matter, I WILL be cancer free!!). I think we’re on to something good and I will work my butt off to make sure whatever route we go, it will be worthy.

Normally at this point in time, I’m looking ahead to next week and working myself into pure dread over the inevitable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 110% not looking forward to next week. I’m finally feeling good (relatively speaking), only to feel like complete crap again. Andddd it’s not even the last round like it was supposed to be. BUT, the difference this time is I have a little added motivation to get through it. When next week is over, we’ll have one more round to go. One more round ’til we can start to turn this horrific nightmare into something meaningful.

You didn’t realize how much you did for me NPU, did you?! Thanks again!

Beef

 

 

4 thoughts on “6.2

  1. I’m in tears reading this! So beautifully said. You continue to amaze and inspire me. I think she would have had red hair too. I really do. Praying for you as you enter this next week. Your spirit is contagious. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So wonderful to hear how all the love and support at that game did so much good for you and your momma Heart! So impressed every time I read your heartfelt thoughts! Keep charging through!

    Like

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