Back by popular demand, the first 15 thoughts that come to mind today. No editing, no filter. A real life look into the peaks & valleys of a chemo week. And Lord help us with where this goes.
1. It has been a really, really hard week. I don’t know if it’s because it’s home stretch or what but I have struggled mightily this round. Physically & mentally. My head’s not in it, my heart is not in it. I feel like a lost puppy dog right now.
2. I’ve obviously been pregnant & I had mono my freshman year of college. Combine those 2 x 1,000 and I think that cracks the fatigue I feel right now. Who knew lifting your head off the pillow could be so hard!
3. This weather. My goodness. The sun is so beautiful. I cannot wait for summer! I spent a lot of the day outside yesterday and I plan on doing the same again today.
4. Jonathan Toews tweeted me this week. That night I woke up around midnight and my phone was BLOWING up from Twitter. I saw his tweet and felt pretty cool for a moment. If the Captain says to keep fighting, I must keep fighting! My brother texted me the next day saying I needed a publicist, to which I responded, “I’m sorry, who are you?”
5. I find myself being an ‘angry elf’ a lot lately. That’s a nice way of putting it. Things set me off so easily. Don’t worry, I won’t start rattling off names here. 🙂 It’s things that matter and things that don’t. It’s things that are meant to be helpful. It’s things that just plain suck. I’ve also found myself to be incredibly sensitive lately too. Maybe I’m finally starting to process reality. I’ve come to hate the words “unfair” and “never.”
6. Paisley ate another bag of Werthers this week. Maybe I should just appreciate that he likes what I like. I give up fighting that dog.
7. I’ve been on VRBO & AirBnB all week, planning (dreaming) on how we get through these next months. Hallie’s due date is March 31. And then it’s Easter, what should’ve been our first family holiday. And then Mother’s Day and then Father’s Day. That’s a really hard stretch. We obviously love hosting and when we bought our house one of the first things we got excited for was how new Hallie would be around Mother’s Day & Father’s Day and how our deck would be a perfect setting to host a brunch or BBQ. I can’t even think about it now without feeling sick. I’m not sure escaping is the best answer but maybe it’s good distraction. Candidly, the idea of living in a post March 31st world of, “we should be doing…” makes me break so I think escapes will be necessary those first few months.
8. Before all this happened, Kevin & I would do date night every Monday night. Odd day but you rarely have conflicts on Mondays. We’d end up somewhere in the city, talking for hours. Planning life, working through kinks or laughing at whatever, they were not only the best night but a necessary night. I miss them and I want them back.
9. Kevin’s birthday is in two weeks. Last birthday before he turns 30. I’d say he has championed a lot this year.
10. Kevin was doing the flooring in the pub shed yesterday (looks awesome) and our recliners are currently being housed in there so you bet I had him bring them out to the grass and laid in a recliner, in our backyard, all afternoon! Our neighbors are probably like, “who is this bald clown laying in a recliner?!” That makes me laugh.
11. Birds are chirping right now. Springgggg! Although we’d be foolish to think spring is here. You know we are going to get pay back for this week in like late March, shoot!
12. I am SO over chemo. It feels good to say one more round but yall might have to take me kicking & screaming to that round. It’s old news. I’m over it. I am over feeling like crap. I am SO over watching everyone live a normal life while I can barely get myself to reposition my head on my pillow. I am so over being the cancer patient.
13. The dogs don’t come inside with this weather. The backyard is so money. They are two happy little clams out there!!
14. A waffle sounds delicious right now.
15. Grilling out should be a must for everyone today!! Don’t forget the pasta salad.
Thanks for hanging in there with me this week. And thanks for walking a bit in my shoes this morning. It’s not always fun! Just trying to do my best to keep my eye on the prize. One day at a time.