Happy Easter! So many reflections today.
Today is hard. Today is beautiful, don’t get me wrong. We are in sunny Fort Myers, with no agenda and not enough sunscreen for our pale skin, it’s a perfect day. By the worlds standard we have absolutely nothing to complain about. This is the life! And yet, it’s the furthest thing from the life.
We booked this trip during round 4 of chemo. It was an escape, something to look forward too. Now we are here and there are so many beautiful families on the beach, all in their Easter best. We’d give anything to be home right now, hanging out with Hallie. Exhausted. Sleep deprived. Happy. We made a promise on this trip to do our best to put reality aside and to pretend like our only job in the world was to celebrate beating cancer. It’s a heck of a feat and it is sure worth celebrating. We have done well most hours, but others our true reality is alive more than ever. We know this will be our life for awhile. Some days you celebrate, trying not to feel guilty. Others, you can barely get out of bed. Our world is cruel and yet we are also so aware that our world is one of a second chance. We’d be silly not to make the most of it, in honor of Hallie.
Holidays are a beast when you’re grieving. It’s funny because I was always one that loved holidays more than anything. Now, we are just trying to pass the time, trying to not think about what could’ve been. What should’ve been.
I’ve cried a lot today and as usual, Kevin is right there to hold me. He keeps telling me next year we will have a family for this holiday. I put a lot of hope in that. But for today, I am so, so sad for our family. For Hallie. For everything that today should’ve been, our first holiday together. Since it’s not that, I’m so thankful for an escape with Kevin. The sun. The waves. There is something amazing about the beach. I’m thankful for all we do have!
Hope you all have a great Easter, Team Beef!
Kevin & Beef