Hello all! In the absence of anything deep to write about today, I figured I’d do a throwback to chemo rounds when I’d do 12 random thoughts on my mind as an update from the Hart world!
1. You all saw, we got a puppy! We are equal parts crazy and totally justified in doing so. I’ll spare you the why, but you must know this puppy is the BEST! Come meet little Bear, your heart will melt!!
2. Now that I’m getting more acclimated to “real life” I find myself struggling with time in the worst way. It’s as if my life hit pause on October 20th and now that I’ve hit unpause it’s like I’m stuck in that season. I kid you not, a Christmas song came on my iTunes shuffle and I thought for a second, “Christmas is soon!” No, Beef, it’s May! I have 100 other examples I could share. It’s the weirdest phenomenon!
3. We had what was probably our most chaotic week last week since probably that week I was diagnosed. It was insanity on so many different levels but we survived! The most exciting (but the craziest part) was, in 6 days, we competed 11 hours of online training + filling out nearly 100 pages of paperwork for ADOPTION!
4. We have a long way to go in the adoption process but that tiny twinge of hope we feel in our hearts is something we haven’t felt in a long, long time.
5. It is so fun talking children again. I truly mean fun. I never knew how much we took it for granted the first time we started to prepare for a family. We talk about Hallie a lot and there is a lot of sadness weaved in but adoption has brought us back hope. I keep going back to that word!
6. Going back to that time phenomenon – it was last year at this time that we were preparing to start a family. This exact time. And now here we are again, in a whole different capacity. Here we are saying again, “let’s take a vacation!” This time it is to savor precious alone time, which is even more precious now. This time it’s also after beating cancer. It’s so hard to comprehend! Trust me, I lived it! But it is so hard to comprehend.
7. In choosing to find hope, it makes me realize that we sure got it right in naming Hallie, Hallie Hope, didn’t we?
8. Yesterday I was taking a snooze with the puppy and I woke up to ringing in my ears and my fingers tingling. I found myself so frustrated. Cancer, it’s still haunting me! I got up, put on my running shoes and ran one mile. I didn’t stop once, ran the entire thing for the first time. It HURT. But when I was done, it’s like I had this moment that I finally understood what #halliestrong means. The moments where you have every right to complain, but you don’t. You act, because she can’t. You live, because she didn’t get too. That’s my #halliestrong!
9. I am not there yet mentally but we can’t wait to start to honor Hallie in a formal way. I have ideas and admittedly this isn’t my strong suit, so if you have resources or know anything about starting scholarships/foundations, please let me know!!
10. We are keeping ourselves busy these days. Mostly because we can. So much time to make up for! So much to work through. Days involve about 100 different emotions. I have to keep realizing how thankful I am that we GET to work though the hard parts, together. Some people don’t get that.
11. Right now I also live by milestones. Like when I took my hat off for the first time (thanks Chitowners!). Some are joyful (considering), some are awful. Mother’s Day, that’s my next huge hurdle. If I say it out loud, sometimes it makes it easier. So there you go.
12. A poor girl at Yelp today said to me, “Your hair is so cool. You have the facial features to really pull it off.” I of course thanked her, assuming she knew my story and was giving me the necessary compliment. And then she said, “were you scared to do it?” Finally! Someone who didn’t know my story! I had this moment of torment – torn between laughing because it is pretty funny and then wow, if I tell my story this poor girl will feel AWFUL! So, after some serious internal debate and I’m sure a seriously awkward pause, I responded with a, “Nope!” I guess I’m ok with that girl thinking I’m just a fearless badass. If only she knew that day!
Have a great week!