We were lucky enough to spend the last five days in northern Michigan with two of our best friends Hilary & Andy. The beach, beautiful weather, four dogs and four humans, so much laughter and the perfect distraction from today, Father’s Day. We are so thankful for such incredible friends that have walked everyday of this journey with us.We took this family picture two nights ago and while I love it so much (all three puppies looking?!), there’s just a glaring emptiness to it without Hallie. I know with all my heart that Hallie would’ve had her Dad’s blue eyes and that’s what crushes my heart all over again today.
Truth be told, I’ve written and re-written this blog post 100x. I can’t quite seem to articulate what I want to say in a meaningful way.
What I want to say is this is so unfair. For some reason, I can rationalize & normalize in my mind when something happens to me. But to see Kevin with empty arms today, it hits me in a whole new way.
What I want to say is Kevin melts my heart over and over when I see him with our best friends kids. He is so patient, so much fun. Heck, he’s practically a kid himself, so of course he’s amazing with them. Those are the moments that tear your heart to pieces more than anything, it’s so confusing. It’s one part pure joy and it’s equal part a desperation for Hallie to be that kiddo he’s holding or chasing. It’s all parts sadness over the reality that it’ll never be Hallie.
What I want to say is how these days flood you with the realization of how many moments you’ll continue to be robbed of. Kevin and I always joked about having a girl between my tomboy ways (aka how would I ever be able to do her hair?!) and Kevin’s perceived inability to watch his daughter date boys. How could we?! But when we found out we were pregnant and I told Kevin I knew it was a girl – all I kept telling him was he was going to get that one moment with his daughter that I had with my Dad, one of the greatest moments of my life: walking down the aisle together. I kept telling him how special it would be. I was so happy for him. I can’t articulate what it feels like to know he’ll never have that with Hallie.
What I want to say is how much I admire Kevin’s ability to make the most out of any situation he’s in. He’s the only human in the world that could’ve held us up through all of this. He’s the only human in the world that could say today, “I’m just trying to focus on the positive. We are almost on profile.”
But these milestones are the worst. The absolute worst.
I will take a page from his book and look forward to what our story will become. There’s a baby out there somewhere that God is going to bring into our lives and I pray over and over that this is the last Father’s Day Kevin has to spend with empty arms. That child is going to have a Dad that loves fiercely, laughs passionately, and will work so hard everyday to provide. A Dad that challenges him/her to always be the best version of themselves, to chase their dreams. A Dad that will keep him/her close in the tough days but will push them to be independent as they grow up. A Dad that will inevitably keep their Mom on her toes as he will likely be a little reckless in how high he pushes the swing or how high up he throws them in the air. No escaping that! A Dad that leads by example, an example of respect and love. A Dad that shows no situation can’t be championed without a positive attitude and a little bit of faith and humor. A Dad that tells the absolute corniest jokes. A Dad that is simply the best.
That’s your Dad, Hallie! I know you’re looking down upon him today and I know that someday when you two are reunited, it’ll be the biggest hug ever sweet girl. I don’t know which one of you needs it more! 💖