I’ve created a new tradition for myself – Saturday morning boxing class followed by a solo trip to Panera for a soufflé and a coffee. Yep, I’m one of those that exercises to even out the calories I consume, instead of working out to ya know, get in better shape. I wish somebody could motivate me to eat healthy! But egg, cheese & bread, you can’t beat it.
I’ve found myself needing alone time more and more these days. Sometimes I just need to reflect. Sometimes I just need the quiet. Sometimes it’s because I just don’t have the energy to let anyone in that moment. Sometimes it’s just easiest to sit and be quiet.
I think I had this idea in my mind that if I could get through Hallie’s due date and then the stretch of Mother’s & Father’s Day and then my birthday, (and ya know, beating cancer in all of that), I’d somehow find a peace with this new life of mine. I understand (I think?) that normal will never be normal again, but I had this hope that something would feel better. I’m not sure what that meant, but I kept my focus on, “just make it to July.” And then I woke up one morning this week and it hit me like a brick wall, last year at this time, I was pregnant.
And here we go again. I laid in bed for a good 10 minutes as I played it all out.
I realized in a week is my best friends wedding anniversary, where we arguably took our first family photo without even knowing it.
And then we came home, and I surprised Kevin with the news.
And then we spent all of August telling our families and best friends.
And then we spent September going to our first appointments, starting to stockpile the cutest onesies, talking baby names, and for me, throwing up a lot, ha. We threw around so many ideas of how to announce to the world we were pregnant. Kevin was insistent on a literal picture of a bun in the oven or a jar of Preggo. His humor is something else. We settled on the most adorable pair of Chicago Bears shoes next to our puppies paws. They’d all be best friends after all.
And then October came, and we started pinteresting nursery ideas. I had to crush Kevin’s dreams of elaborate murals – like either of us have that type of talent! For once I was the simple one. It’s weird the things you remember. I remember texting my mom on my bus ride one morning something along the lines of, “we only have five months left, that’s so soon!”
And then October 20th.
When I played all of that, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Again. There is no “get to” date. Every day I wake up will be spent re-living this nightmare over & over. I’m not sure I can describe the emptiness in that reality.
I try to balance that weight with hope. Hope that something has to give. Hope that we will get that call sooner than later that a mom has chosen us to be the parents of their child. Hope that cancer never crosses our path again. Hope that God really did have to send Hallie to save me, hope that her life wasn’t in vain, hope that I will hold her one day. Hope that this isn’t just an “unfair” situation for nothing, that something has to come of it. I don’t think I ever knew before this how much having hope is a choice. Hope doesn’t happen naturally. Faith, is a choice. I’ve learned that you don’t claim faith or hope once in life and you’re covered. True faith, true hope, you choose over and over and over. Fear, doubt, guilt those are the natural emotions. And they will crush you over and over if you let them. They are the devil! Faith, hope, it’s a choice you have to make in the darkest moments in order to get out of the darkest moments. It’s hard work! And hard isn’t exactly something you want to take on, but I try. I try over and over. Some days I feel like I’m doing ok at it all and other days I feel like I’m failing miserably. I wear a simple bracelet every day that my mother in law gave me that simply reads Hope to remind myself that I’m here, I’m alive, God has a plan for me, and that even though everything hurts like hell, there is hope in the reason that I am here. There just has to be something more to all of this.
Our schedule as of late, I’ve tried to outrun, overplan & overdo to beat the emotions that happen when things slow down. But I’m also forcing myself in these alone times to slow down and work through them. I know I have too. I appreciate the continued prayers as I continue to try to navigate it all. Pray that I can continue to see that there is hope, there is a reason for all of this and everything this body of mine has endured since 10/20 will be for something.