#halliestrong

We are rolling into the time of year where every day presents a, “last year at this time…” 

Today?

That one stings. Especially as I see those same shoes today, sitting next to Hallie’s footprints. 

What’s funny about that announcement is we delayed it, because of that phone call we got a couple weeks prior to it last year. Standard practice in today’s world is to share your exciting news at 12 weeks, when it’s considered safe to do so. I remember checking off each week- 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. I remember making it to 12 and breathing a huge sigh of relief with Kevin. This kid was ours to keep! But then 12.5 weeks brought that call. Abnormal test results. No big deal. Pregnancy causes it. We will wait until the second trimester to explore it, when it’s safe for the baby. We went to Giordanos that night to shake it off. Pizza, of course. True to the Hart/Conrad way.

We went back and forth on whether to announce our pregnancy. There is so much joy to be had in that, especially as the first grandchild in our families. Truthfully I was the one who delayed it. I asked Kevin that we hold off in telling people. Somewhere deep down in me that “what if ” nagged at me. So we waited. We passed a couple more weeks. We finally decided to bank on those test results being nothing and took a gamble on the joy of announcing our exciting news carrying us through the remaining couple weeks until we knew for sure it’d be nothing. Kevin wanted to do a Prego jar or a bun in the oven (literally) but we settled on Bears shoes and our puppies to announce it.

Overwhelmed, we were, by all the love. I think Baby Hart was overdue by a lot of people’s standards. Carried us through it absolutely did. 

I am a very firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe with all my heart that all things work together for good, for those that love the Lord. It doesn’t mean I don’t wonder why we waited, why we finally decided to take a risk in announcing it. Cancer is impossible in and of itself – it’s incredibly difficult to speak too, and it’s impossible to relate too. But the loss of a child because of it? I am so thankful we felt that nudge too because Hallie has become our source of courage as we fight. How people fight cancer without hope, I will never know. You can’t survive it! Our hope has been beyond bleak on some days, but even on those days we have Hallie in our hearts. We fight because had we not had her, who knows what today, September 22nd, would’ve looked like for me, for Kevin, for our families. 

Every day is another “last year at this time” moment for us and as we near October 20th and November 4th, it’s going to get harder and harder. You think the emotions one year removed would be easier to deal with but they’re an entirely different set. Thanks for thinking of us and for your prayers as we continue to tackle each day. It all has to mean something, we do believe that! We are admittedly anxious for a day that it does start to really make sense. Until then, we remain #halliestrong! 

2 thoughts on “#halliestrong

  1. Dear Bethany,
    I know it’s taken awhile for me to respond; I have wanted to do many different posts and then it wasn’t the right time and life got busy. You have been on my heart and in my prayers constantly. I rejoice over the great news of the clean scan. Praise God!! I continue to pray for that for you and kevin. I hurt when you lost that diamond earring that meant so much- it’s hard to understand why the little things happen too. You’ve lost so much and then it hurts when those lil reminders (even a lost earring, headbands, growing hair- which is adorable by the way) creep up and just have your heart aching all over again. God has reminded me during challenging times that he is in control and to keep leaning on him, no matter what.

    October 20th is coming up soon and I just want you to know I love ya and care about you. It doesn’t matter when it happens, losing a child is so difficult. My heart ached for you when I was at a 16 year olds funeral today. His name was Nate and he was such a fine young man. His life was cut way to short just like Hallie’s, but through the death, their light will live on. I’m so thankful that we have you and kevin together. Hallie allowed that to happen and we ache because she is no longer with us, but #halliestrong we will be.

    Romans 8:26-28
    Likewise the Spirit helps us on our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

    Revelation 14: 12- 13
    Here is a call for the endurance of the Saints, those who keep the Commandments of God in their faith in Jesus. And I heard a voice from heaven saying “write this : Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on. “Blessed indeed” says the Spirit,” that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”

    A couple verses that I heard today, love you and praying for you!

    Blessings,
    Melissa

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