We Had it All

We had it all. We were happily pregnant with Hallie, we had just bought an amazing home to raise her in (#burblife), we had big plans for us all. This was the last picture I could find of the three of us in that ‘normal life.’ I remember being so annoyed at how hot it was that day since it was fall. You’re supposed to flannel & vest while picking apples! Real life problems, right? 😂

And then, two years ago today, in the time it took a doctor to say, “you have cancer, you’ll lose your baby and you’ll never again have biological children,” we lost everything about that normal life. I’m still traumatized by how the doctor handled it. Let me be the first to tell you that PTSD is a very real thing!

3 days later, I was officially diagnosed. The type of cancer I had confirmed that the worst case scenario that was so flippantly laid out for us, was now instantly our reality.

Today is marked with so much emotion. Haunting memories of that appointment and the phone calls to our families & closest friends. The numbness. The shock. The tears and the hugs. The Christmas music, oddly. I turned to it instantly the minute we left the hospital because who could tell me no?! This day sparks a long few weeks of anniversaries that don’t get any easier, including the day we lost Hallie. Being diagnosed with cancer is a long process. Fighting cancer is a long process. Losing your sense of normalcy and your sense of security is a long process. Losing your child is an even longer process. Grieving your child and what your life should’ve been is a long process. Adoption is a long process. Seemingly everything in our life still, two years removed, is a long process.

We continue to trust that God is hard at work on His master plan to weave all of this perfectly together. That all of these hardships will one day unfold into great joy. We have had moments of hope and we hold onto those tight. We are working really hard to honor Hallie through the Foundation, as it’s all we have of her, for now. We also eagerly wait to make Hallie a big sister through the miracle of adoption.

But for today, I really, really hate cancer & I really, really hate this day. And you better believe I am listening to Christmas music today. 🧡